How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
