God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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