It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
