can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
