Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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