take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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