I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
