At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
