Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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