My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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