I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sober January is a disaster.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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