God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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