i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
