How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
