he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
