dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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