Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
