Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
