You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
