Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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