I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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