I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
