i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
