I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I will die if light touches me.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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