Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
