So drunk its hurt
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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