Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
