I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
