i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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