I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
