My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
