her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
