hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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