Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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