I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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