So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize