I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
