Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
