You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
