I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
