The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
