Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My breasts were aching with rage.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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