there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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