I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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