Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sarcasm needs its own font
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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