the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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