All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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