Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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