What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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