I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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