I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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