hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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