Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
